Living Starts with determination

I’m wondering how everyone’s doing out there. Are you loving this quiet time, using it to nourish your exhausted self? Or are you hating this confinement, resenting every minute of being forced to do something you never signed up for.

I can relate to both. I remember when I retired, I realized how sleep deprived I was, worn out from working, simply weary right through to my bones. Having time to recharge my batteries was fabulous.

On the other hand when I discovered I had cancer, I was plunged into a state of furious astonishment. Sick as I was and confined to the couch, I didn’t at first know what to do with myself. I was plagued by the thought of all the projects I was abandoning. It took me a while to quieten my soul.

It would be great to be able to ask the question “how much longer will this go on” and receive an answer. But life isn’t like that. Not knowing the future, forces us to come back to the present – the only space where we really have agency. We can rage against what is, or we can treasure this unusual time and do something that makes it count.

I know I’m very fortunate to have a regular flow of income from my tiny pension. But there are so many people out there who are struggling right now, and they’re scared. Are you like me, with a little spare cash to share with the local food bank, or the Red Cross? Or can you become a patron of the arts? My daughter is a professional musician and her event-based income has completely dried up. Her sole income now comes from on-line teaching. I never really considered taking singing lessons, but I think it’s time to give it a try.

Last year when I was so sick, I could barely make my way across the room. I feared I’d never be able to walk again without hobbling along with a cane. But here we are one year later, and my husband recently videoed me (without my knowing it) dancing along with my daughter, DeeDee Butters’ Facebook karaoke dance party event.* If you’d have told me last year that I would be dancing again, I would have thought you were just being nice and encouraging.

We’ll get through this extraordinary experience. That’s a certainty. And with a little determination and help we may come out the other side having gained something of value. At the very least we will know ourselves a little better.

All I can say is that when I didn’t know what the future may hold, I just did my best at the time. It was very slow going, but I put one foot in front of the other and with some determination did a little more each day (when I could). Yesterday, I counted 3,846 steps on my pedometer, and that’s just from walking around the garden and the house.

I wrote this poem a few years ago when I was weathering some challenges. It will appear in my poetry collection Window Ledge coming out in October 2020 with Inanna Publications. Perhaps it will give you some solace.

Ducks’ feet

the distant ducks seem still as stones
in the shallows of the river

look closer   they know what they’re about    the light
makes them appear stationary

but beneath the water their feet
work against the current

these are times to hold yourself still
appear solid as a stone

know you have wings

Determination comes with a certain stubbornness. And focus. Mrs. Robin tried to build a nest over our front door 6 times before she got the message that this is not a good location for her. Humans are equally good at being stubborn and determined. Choosing where to put our energy is the key.

I wish you well during this corona-time. Wash your hands, stay 6 feet away from people, avoid going out to stores unless absolutely necessary, get fresh air. And remember, if you’re struggling, reach out. As my gorgeous daughter DeeDee said in one of her live streaming events, ask for what you need. People want to help, and right now they have the time.

*if you want to join in these uplifting and fun-filled parties, here’s DeeDee Butters’ link to Facebook. She’s given me permission to share: https://www.facebook.com/deedee.butters